Author: Tracy May

I am now offering Life Coaching from my new hometown of Vallejo, California.

How can Coach Tracy May help you do life better?

I specialize in helping neurodivergent individuals and their supporters become more empowered through commitment and accountability. This involves increasing self-awareness, co-creating SMART goals, and providing the support to keep you on track for creating the life you want.

Promising Connections Vallejo is where life and art meet.

Let’s get creative about you becoming the best version of yourself that you can be by exploring coaching tools to address:

• career planning
• de-cluttering and organizing
• wellness
• relationships
• self-regulation
• community building
• self-care
• managing grief
• leadership and business development
• burnout avoidance for caregivers and educators

You can schedule time with Coach Tracy May as an individual, family, small group, or organization.

Coach Tracy May is a certified life coach practitioner with 15 years of experience and has a Master’s in Education for Special Education and has taught for 25 years. In addition, in her earlier years, she trained for ministry and learned how to provide marriage and family support, reminding individuals of their personal values. Coach Tracy May is not religiously affiliated and can hold space for you and your values without bias and with respect for all faiths and those who do not subscribe to a belief system.

Initial sessions usually take up to 2 hours and cost $200.

(Pre-pay/ non-refundable unless the coach cancels).

More plans of service are available after the initial session with clients typically working with the coach for a minimum of 8 sessions.

Text 651 331-1421 to check for availability and begin your journey of finding out where art and life meet for you.

Contentment is defined as freedom from worry or restlessness, or peaceful satisfaction. The Lord’s prayer begins with “The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.” The Yiddish word for contentment is “samayach” from the Hebrew root meaning happiness. Buddha said that contentment, “Santosha” is the highest wealth. It is accepting things as they are, and that is enough. In Islam, it is practice to thank Allah in everything including waking up, getting dressed, eating, even successfully using the bathroom! Ganesha is the remover of obstacles in Hinduism. The obstacle to our happiness is our discontent.

Contentment has been a word that I have camped on over the last few years. I have not felt extremely content during this chapter of my life, but I have tried to accept what is without driving myself crazy. Sometimes I was successful. Sometimes my want for something different is heavy on my soul. In 2016, I moved to Indiana from Minnesota to be with my mom after my dad passed away. She passed away a couple of years ago after about a year on hospice. During this time, I was separated from the community I thrived in most and the people that most loved me. I will be able to move back if I sell the house I inherited and fixed up. If I don’t sell it, could I still be content?

In April, after months of symptoms, it was discovered that I had a large mass in my abdomen. Tumor marker tests were taken and I was told it was likely cancer. In May, I had surgery not knowing if it was cancer or not. The tumor as 5 pounds. It was 7.5 inches across, 6 inches up and down, and 6 inches from my back to my belly button. It was in an ovary and had begun twisting around inside of me. I was not content to leave it in there, and thankfully, it could be removed. Even better, there was no cancer found. What a tremendous blessing! Not everyone gets good news like I did. Not everyone gets to be on the road to a healthier life. I am lucky. I choose to be content. I choose to remember my home is my body, mind, and soul. It is within this body, that I have “enough”. I am here and that is enough.

We all have times of discontentment, but according all world religions, we should choose to be be content. The reason is not to shame us for wanting better things but for allowing ourselves to feel as well as we can in our present moment. To be alive in our moments and be grateful as we go along is the goal. If the only thing that is going right is breathing in and out, and you can be content, you win.

My hair has been graying for some time. Coloring over the gray was bothering me so I stopped. I tried to have a stylist help blend it in the meantime. It wasn’t really working. Then after my hair was so dead from all of the bleaching, I decided to start over and have it cut into a pixie bob which is very short. It looked better but I still had golden ends and gray roots. I had the idea of blending in some blue high lights to break it up, on my own, without involving a stylist. When I rinsed my hair out and looked in the mirror, I had created a head full of fuzzy light green hair. Never to be defeated, I marched myself to the store and got some black dye and became an Elizabeth Tayloresque black haired beauty again.

I have a history of creating obstacles for myself. Not doing oil changes resulting in a dead car in college. Dating and marrying men that were clearly bad choices resulting in having to rebuild my life over and over again. Adopting a Dalmatian not researching what the care of that breed involves resulting in having to take 3 hour walks everyday just to give it the minimum exercise needed.

My friends and family reading this now are thinking of even better examples of how I have messed up in life. Some of those stories are funny. Many of them were far from funny at the time.

Even if you do everything right, bad things will happen to you at some time. Our response to these obstacles is all that remains in our control.

I just inherited a farm that needs work. I didn’t plan on being in my parent’s property at this time of my life trying to make choices about the care and eventual sale of this farm. My mantra has been to just make it a little better every day. Make it pretty and see what happens. I don’t know if I will have a buyer at the price that I need in order to sell it or if I will be a farmer for years to come. The outcome is not within reach. My response in the present is what I have.

There is a method to my madness. I have made lists and keep making lists of boss moves I can do to make this place better. Next I evaluate what the pay off will be for each move.Finally, I choose to put the majority of my energy and financial backing into that move. Once I finish, I look at my list again and see what the next reasonable move should be. In summary, list, evaluate, make a move, go back to the list. If you do this, over time, your goals will be completed, you will have a sense of accomplishment, and today’s obstacles will be tomorrow’s memories. Don’t worry though, you will have other obstacles to keep you from getting bored.

Have fun making boss moves today and enjoy the journey as much as you can!

At the end of December in 2022, I made the bold move to leave my job as a teacher, to work on regaining an acceptable level of wellness after caring for my mom in hospice and losing her last summer.

I used all of what I have learned from research and my healing times of the past. I am pleased to say that at this juncture which is not even two months later but feels like a lifetime, I have regained this level of reasonably good health again.

I started inserting one small habit at a time.

The first was food related. I had developed a habit of large portions of junk food to keep me awake on my long commute. Breakfast at a fast food place was a common occurrence since I was on the road so early, before I felt I could eat anything. Also, when I was caring for mom, my mornings were feeding her and administering medications. I didn’t fit in the schedule. When I got home it was the same thing. Many caregivers and mothers can relate to how these habits begin. This would not be healthy for everyone but intermittent fasting helped me become more mindful about eating. I have one meal a day, that is satisfying. I allow myself some Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, or fruit for snacks. All eating occurs after 8am and I am done at 5 or 6. I have lost 10 pounds, but more importantly I feel I am in control of what I eat and when again, on a behavioral level. The biggest pay off is I do not feel as sluggish as I did when I was eating all of the filler foods that I didn’t necessarily love. They were just convenient.

After I cleaned up my diet, I worked on de-cluttering the house I inherited, that was full of my mom’s belongings, family treasures, and tons of stuff that needed to be thrown away. It was so much, I hired a friend to help me with a few closets. I painted where there had been busy wallpaper that was an energetic drain. My daughter took some furniture that was extra and family members came to claim some things they wanted. There is a little left to do but most of the decluttering is done. Decluttering makes life more simple because there is less to manage and clean and the objects and possessions that matter to you take a front row seat, rather than being lost in the back of a closet somewhere. This mentally made me feel so much more freedom.

I started allowing myself to be creative. I have been painting and learning guitar. I started a class to help me work on some business skills. Creativity and learning have always been part of my healing journeys in the past and it was no different this time. I have decided on roof and siding renovations for the house. I have ordered flowers and trees. Outside I needed to remove troublesome trees in order to begin other renovations. Sometimes out outdoor areas can have clutter. Dead trees and trees that blocked internet access had to go.

I feel healthier and my mind is more clear. I scheduled a cruise that will be happening in a few weeks. The things that I have informed clients about and encouraged them to do when they were in a transition of some kind is how I have healed myself. I am not in perfect health. There is no such thing. I feel I am in reasonably good health and going the right direction.

Wellness is a process and what I learned on the deep end of caregiving is sometimes you are just surviving. It is okay. Love yourself through that. Take care of yourself as you can. If you want to talk to a coach about exploring some small changes that can make a big difference in the long run, please feel free to contact me about coaching. The best way to reach me is e-mail with the subject line saying “I need a coach”.

If you email me, I will reach out and we can have a free initial chat. Take care.

Promisingconnections@gmail.com

Randomly, in my scrolling today, I found out that Virginia Woolf’s first novel was called “The Voyage Out”. It is about a young girl who goes on a sea voyage with her aunt and uncle. While on the ship, her mind is exposed to a wide variety of ideas about everything, as she has conversations with people on this ship and travels around South America.

Coincidentally, I have booked my own voyage. I booked a cruise for the very first time. I will be going on a 15 day trans-Atlantic cruise that starts in Miami and ends in Barcelona. I am travelling alone but there will be thousands on board. I know I will have the opportunity to talk to many other people and learn from their stories. I am voyaging out of the country into an experience that will for sure force me out of my comfort zone. I am voyaging inward. I imagine time alone in my cabin, on my terrace, drawing and writing and reflecting. I see myself daydreaming and just enjoying the ride. This is my first vacation I am taking merely for my enjoyment and not related to seeing family or friends or doing some form of service.

Like the girl in Virginia Woolf’s book, my voyage out will help me open my mind to new experiences and people and learn more about myself. I am not completely clear on what I want this second half of life to look like but I have some time to ponder my choices.

I resigned from my teaching job, that required a drive 1 hour each way. I finished up the semester and settled into winter break for a pause.

The pause began with freakishly brutal winds and 30 below windchills that my dogs could not even stand with their little hot pink parkas on. It was the kind of cold where no one goes anywhere for a few days. My pause began with a dead stop. Scented candles, heat turned up, fire place going, dog cuddles, and quiet boredom filled the beginning days of winter break.

My pause continued with laying low for the holidays. I considered every vacation imaginable, both in the states and international. I checked on dog kennel options. I have my passport ordered. I was going to just pause until at least March, but on January 3, 2023, I woke up with my next plan. I started applying for jobs and I really want to be teaching again soon or doing something that lights me up the way teaching does. I am not at peace with leaving my dogs while I travel. They are my babies. Down the road, I will go places. My elderly dog is a little sick, and my new dog is a clingy little baby, and it does not feel right at this time. I don’t feel my soul needs a vacation as much as I just need ongoing reasons for getting up in the morning.

I am going to work on fixing the house, find a job nearby, and continue to spoil my dogs. That might not seem amazing, but just two weeks ago, I could not figure out what I was going to do with any level of decisiveness. I traveled the globe in my imagination and arrived back here in on piece with some rational decision making skills.

Trauma, grief, and overall exhaustion got me to the place where I needed to pause. It was necessary to do a reset. My former job did not serve me well because of the exhausting commute. Another job, but closer to home, should put things in better balance.

By changing jobs, I will get 10 hours of my life back a week. This can be time to eat planned meals, exercise, and maybe read or socialize. In a month, I get 40 hours back— equivalent to a whole extra work week of time. Our time is our most precious resource and I hope to use mine a little more resourcefully in the New Year. How can you find more time to take better care of yourself this year?

Mom passed away in July. She had a fall. A short hospital stay. A few weeks in a nursing home, the last week with covid. She called me one evening after having gone through the worst of covid. She was eating the special popsicles I brought for her with her roommate who also had covid. I thought she might bounce back. I even wondered if someone dying survived covid like she did, was she really dying? Maybe she should be re- evaluated. I saw her the two days following, and on the following evening, she passed.

Many people have asked me how I feel. I went through some shock when she died and I have been having some quiet moments when I shed some tears. I started teaching again about week after the funeral so this Labor Day weekend, I had some time to rest a little and reflect on all of it.

Just before mom died I adopted a dog, Smooch, who was a $50 shelter dog. My Jeep keys have gone missing since about a week after I got her. I had to have my car towed to the dealership to have new keys made. She found soap, Christmas ornaments, and other odds and ends that were not food and then she got sick. I had her x-rayed and neither my Jeep keys nor any of that other stuff was inside but her tummy was hurting. I got lots of snuggles this weekend and we napped together. I needed the snuggles, too.

Not having mom now is like an empty nest experience. One minute she consumed all of my time and energy and now there is a void. Smooch is helping fill that some with all of her misadventures. I am feeling more like myself with each passing week. The routine of being back with my students and coming home to my two dogs, keeps me anchored. Everyone does grieving their own way but routine is helping me.

There are some things I am pondering. After all of this I have been through, who am I now? I know I have changed. Do I want the same things? What are my hopes and dreams for this second half of life?

Life is just a twinkle. One day after another, fleeting chapters, love, adventure, awe of nature, music, art, poetry, and letting go.

My cousin just posted a meme saying, “ ‘Meatloaf’, should be the ultimate safe word because it means I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that”. This is a strange lead in to a post on how things are going on the home front caring for my mom in hospice, but there is a connection. I promise.

In this process, I keep saying not that, and then I find myself doing that, getting through that, That , and then another THAT outdoes the former That! Are you following? I cry “ Meatloaf” but that next bad thing keeps coming and I can’t control it. There’s no safe word to save me. I am not safe. Mom is literally dying, and she is stuck with me and that has to be extremely unsettling, too.

Writing helps me process, so while this may help others out there, I am trying to help myself primarily. What do you do when you are faced with an unfavorable thing and you have to go through it? It’s not a matter of simply setting boundaries or creating better habits, although I am doing both of those as I go through this journey. I can change the things I can but the things that I cannot change, well, I am just holding on for the ride and praying to anyone listening. I hate rollercoasters and this ride, this hospice ride, where I was forced to get in, and cannot get off until it’s over, sucks. It sucks so much. Only those who have gone through it know what I mean.

I watched mom fall and get hurt, complain of pain, I have bandaged her over and over, struggled to find what she can still eat, she has lost so much weight, and she lost so much independence. For two weeks she fought me hard about driving. This week she needs to check with me before going outside because she had a big fall the other day. I feel like there is a hand on my heart squeezing the life out of me as I watch my mom fail slowly. There’s no safe word. There are no ruby slippers to take me back to a happier time and place. I am locked on this hospice roller coaster to the end. I know how it ends and I hate that too.

So as mom stood over the toilet this evening and told me there was something in there that should not be, I got on some rubber gloves and fished out the chapstick that dropped in. “Meatloaf” isn’t my safe word. I don’t know what I will do for love next, but I am strapped in. Peace to any of you who are on this awfully sucky but sacred ride as well. Mom won’t be here at the end of this ride, and for that woman, I probably do it all again.

Mom has been watching PBS shows with painters like Bob Ross and others. She wants to paint some happy little trees soon. I am ready with the supplies when she is. Creativity will most likely be our pathway into transforming this time that is beyond our control into some beautiful, funny, and sensational memories.