Mom passed away in July. She had a fall. A short hospital stay. A few weeks in a nursing home, the last week with covid. She called me one evening after having gone through the worst of covid. She was eating the special popsicles I brought for her with her roommate who also had covid. I thought she might bounce back. I even wondered if someone dying survived covid like she did, was she really dying? Maybe she should be re- evaluated. I saw her the two days following, and on the following evening, she passed.
Many people have asked me how I feel. I went through some shock when she died and I have been having some quiet moments when I shed some tears. I started teaching again about week after the funeral so this Labor Day weekend, I had some time to rest a little and reflect on all of it.
Just before mom died I adopted a dog, Smooch, who was a $50 shelter dog. My Jeep keys have gone missing since about a week after I got her. I had to have my car towed to the dealership to have new keys made. She found soap, Christmas ornaments, and other odds and ends that were not food and then she got sick. I had her x-rayed and neither my Jeep keys nor any of that other stuff was inside but her tummy was hurting. I got lots of snuggles this weekend and we napped together. I needed the snuggles, too.
Not having mom now is like an empty nest experience. One minute she consumed all of my time and energy and now there is a void. Smooch is helping fill that some with all of her misadventures. I am feeling more like myself with each passing week. The routine of being back with my students and coming home to my two dogs, keeps me anchored. Everyone does grieving their own way but routine is helping me.
There are some things I am pondering. After all of this I have been through, who am I now? I know I have changed. Do I want the same things? What are my hopes and dreams for this second half of life?
Life is just a twinkle. One day after another, fleeting chapters, love, adventure, awe of nature, music, art, poetry, and letting go.